Mar 09 2009
Domestic violence can happen between any couple
As a woman who has never been involved in a domestic violence situation, I can assure you that I have a lot to learn about domestic violence and I do not have a first person perspective on why women (and sometimes men) stay with a partner who is abusive.
I want to be clear here, I am not a domestic violence professional and this article is my opinion and experiences only with women who remain in relationships even when they have the money to leave (like in Rihanna’s case) and have a face full of bruises left by their abuser.
In my professional life, I have come across many victims of domestic violence and I often end my interview with, “off the record”, can you tell me why you don’t leave?
The answers I’ve received are as complex and varying as the women I have interviewed, and here are some of their statements in random order.
- He loves me. I know he loves me. He has to work out his anger issues, but he loves me and would die without me.
- He didn’t mean it. You don’t really know him, it wasn’t as if he tried to kill me.
- He is the father of my children and I don’t want my children to grow up without a daddy like I did.
- He’s sorry. It won’t happen again.
- It’s no big deal. He’s better than my last boyfriend.
- I can’t.
- I’m not ready.
In a way, I think it’s somewhat of an attitude of “the devil you know is better than the one you don’t”. Women involved in domestic violence relationships are often in one violent relationship after another and so in a way it is easier to remain with a violent man whose behavior you think you can predict.
In Rihanna’s case, although the general public is shocked and surprised, it’s my guess that those that work in the field of domestic violence are not surprised in the least. Yes, Rihanna is a wealthy, beautiful, and talented singer, but women almost always return to their abusers, especially when the abuse has only happened once.
In the case of Chris Brown and Rihanna, they are young (he’s only 19 and she’s 21), naïve and like any young couple in love, they believe they can work through it. Maybe they can, maybe they won’t. What is unfortunate for Rihanna is that she has to go through this in front of the camera. Pictures of her bruised face were plastered all over the internet the minute they were published.
Rihanna is now being chastised for returning to Chris Brown and for believing that she can make her relationship work. Even Oprah reminded Rihanna that Chris Brown “will hit you again”. Rihanna’s return to Chris Brown should remind us that even stars are human and that an abusive relationship will follow certain patterns, regardless of the celebrity status of the couple.
It is up to Rihanna to learn this on her own and for her family and friends to be there for her when she is ready to leave, not when we think she should be ready. Rihanna has her own reasons for staying with Chris Brown. We don’t have to agree with her, we don’t have to support it, but we do have to respect that this is her own battle and she can only fight back when she is ready to.
Reddit here, allow me to disagree.
How many women you know that were *not* victims of domestic (spousal) violence? How many men do you know that never have raised a hand on their significant other? I think those are also observations you must respect, and you will find that they easily outnumber the victims of violence. When you say “domestic violence can happen in any couple” you essentially convey “any guy can become violent so you should be afraid of them all” - I mean, you only interviewed *women*, right? That sounds awfully close to “womyn” and “culture of rape” to me, and undermines the significance of your other observations: that women in abusive relationships rationalize the abuse in order to cope with it. This kind of rationalization from women is also heard in cases of emotionally abusive relationships, unwanted pregnancies, cases where social taboos or peer pressure force the woman to act contrary to her instincts and even have her strip her own dignity; and the answer to this is not “let it be” or “leave it alone, she knows better.”
Rihanna is a celebrity and her life gets scrutinized in every way. As you pointed out, she is a well based person who with her wealth also wields power and, one must presume, strength of character if it took her this far and over a violent guy. She can afford to be a rational market agent, if you will, and make her own choices having considered all things and alternatives?
What of those women who have put up with abuse for their whole life? How are they going to be empowered by your respect to freedoms that Rihanna has because of the hard and exhausting work she does?
I am confused by your ideas and I suggest you rethink your newsletter.
NB: the captcha said “suffering”.
I didn’t mention the women who were not victims of domestic abuse because this is an article about my observations of women who have been victims of domestic violence and not a commentary on society as a whole.
The majority of men I know have never, ever considered hitting their spouses, but again, this is not about them.
When I say that domestic violence can happen in any relationship, what I mean is: “domestic violence can happen in any relationship whether you are rich, poor, educated, famous, gay, lesbian or straight.” This does not translate into: men are all evil, be afraid, be very afraid, nor was it meant to convey that message.
Never read “womyn” or “culture of rape”, so I don’t know what you are referring to.
I’m not saying that any woman, ever, should have to put up with abuse, but what I am trying to say, is even with women such as Rihanna (who have money, fame and power) stay because they can’t leave (for whatever reason they feel they can’t).
That you can’t force an abused woman to leave a violent relationship and that she will leave when she is ready to leave but no sooner. You can help a woman who is ready, you can try to convince her when she’s not, but it is the woman involved in the violent situation who has the ulitmate decision.
This isn’t a newsletter for any organization. This is my opinion only, as I stated.
hi there, i am a woman who at present is living with her 2 children at her mums even tho i have a lovely 2 bedroom bungalow a few towns over, my partner is currently residing at his mothers on bail because after 9 years together i finally did what i said i was going to do, and pressed charges against him for domestic violence against me. i wouldn’t have tho, had it not been for everyone going on and on, he did some pretty awful stuff this time… strangled me, kicked me punched me, headbutted me, all in front of his mother who was at ours whilst this recent event kicked off.and do u kno what i still feel like im ashamed because i pressed charges! is that wierd?
i have spoken to him since his arrest, which i am not supposed to have done and yes i still love him, but ive forgiven the violence in a heartbeat. its strange even tho he hits out i feel like im the one who builds it up that way but i kno its nothing to do with me. its all him, but i still feel guilty! its crazy.
he has hit out at me pretty regulaly in our relationship starting within the first year. im not ready to leave, but i kno i have to. i will more than likely meet up with him before it ends tho,i’ll be the one that need to. i love him and he loves me just we have a funny way of showing it.
i found this article looking to see if there was women out there who had gone back to an abusive partner after a serious beating (because the beatings do get worse, less frequent but more severe) and had made it work? i think deep down i already know the answer. but i would love to hear if anyone has ever sorted it out.
i do agree it should be up to the person who is in the relationship to decide when they should go but there is more to it than that.
i have 2 young children and is it healthy for a child to grow in an enviroment like that? also it is quite selfish to think that when in an abusive relationship u can raise a child to the best of your ability because i know your mind is mostly elsewhere, also what kind ofmessage does that send to a child? because behaviour like that most definatly is not normal! then you have your family who on one hand should respect your wishes but very rarley do, mine hate my partner vehnemently, and without knowing it that causes problems in a violent relationship by itself, family think they are looking out for you but could be causing more problems for when you are on your own, without them. so domestic violence does have a large taboo around it and i know why the embarressment element is there but i also know why women say they cannot leave but sometimes they should, but is it possible to break free, its like a death in a family rips it apart only my partner isn’t dead he’s a bully!! is there help out ther for the abuser not just the victim? if so what? and for me well i dont feel so mousey but i am, if i really wanted to i could have not called him but i sneakily did it im even thinking of having a sneaky relationship. because im a coward and thats probably why i allowed my relationship to become a power issue and why he won. so maybe thats why im embarressed to admit its as bad as it really is.
but honestly i do believe that womwn should be encouraged to leave, no matter what the severity of domestic abuse after all its still abuse and in any other case u wouldnt say stay would you?
child abuse
elderly abuse
sexual abuse
the list is endless and also wrong so if the abused dosent have the help to leave by herself then perhaps it should be taken out of her hands.
to be honest there is a lot to it and only the two people in the relationship know the truth, but why does it happen, that lies with the abuser and the abused allows it to because of love, maybe or maybe not. either way no-one else can really say but more help is needed by both parties and the authorities.
domestic violence happens to 1 in 4 relationships at some point regardless of gender, age, race..ect
and 2 people a week are killed by thier violent partner often after signs of domestic violence at some point,mostly strangulation. i only know this from doing my homework online in the last week. so wot next? have i proved you right or wrong i dont know all i know is that i was in a violent relationship and that ive probably prattled on for too long and should stop analizing things and get on with my life with my kids but how exactly am i supposed to do this???