Why be Normal?

The teenager working the grocery store register tries to help you use the atm card machine because you look confused.

You see your mom/dad while out shopping and as you get closer to say hi you realize it is a mirror.

When you refer to the warehouse 20 somethin guy as that little boy over there.

When you can’t tell the difference between high school and college age kids.

When you have to move printed materials close to your eyes and the farther away .. then closer then farther in order for you focus to adjust.

When you sneeze you pee just a hint of a bit wheter or not you’ve just emptied your bladder or not.

When you can legally share a beer with your 1st born child.

When the tattoo artist you say you may get your 1st tattoo from says “well…it’s NEVER too late!”

When you never, ever get carded at the liquor store.

Ditto buying lottery and cigarettes.

When trash day and triple coupons get you excited, and you run the washing machine and dishwasher at the same time, just for fun.

When you have to lie not only about your on age, but your kids age too.

When when you bend down to pick something up and look around while you are down there for anything else you might need to pick up too.

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This Labor Day weekend was like any typical last weekend of the summer in New England.  Cooling temperatures, last hurrah barbeques, and a tag sale on every corner.  Yes, we had a tag sale too, that yearly hoeing out of the junk that accumulates in the garage that people screech their tires to stop and look at.  The junk that ends up in their garage and they sell next year at their own tag sale.

What I find the most interesting about tag sales is the haggling that goes on.  “How much is this (fill in the blank)?”

“It has .50 cents on it.”

“I’ll give you a quarter.”

Yeah, I know, we all like a bargain, but really, haggling over .25 cents?  For a once used audio book that was purchased six months ago for $28?

“Take it.  You can have it.  I already listened to it.  He dies in the end.  Sad, sad story and so unexpected.”

Better yet are the people who won’t pay a quarter for anything yet when we have a big free sign at the end of our driveway, they load up their car.  What they don’t want for a dollar or two, they will cart away when it is free.  Hmmm.  Just my opinion, but if you don’t want something for a quarter, you probably don’t want it at all.

I actually had someone knock on my door yesterday asking about my free table and chairs that are down by the mailbox.

“Do you have the screws for the legs?”

“Yup, they’re attached.”

“Do you have the table leaf?”

Are they kidding?  I thought I was being punked or something.  IT’S for FREE! 

“No, we don’t have the leaf, I didn’t know it had one.”

Looks at me as if considering “buying” the table despite it’s flaws.  Shakes his head.

“That’s too bad.”

He leaves without the table, shaking his head as he walks down the driveway.  I just want to scream “It’s free!”, but I close my door quietly.

Next year I am not going to have a tag sale.  I am going to have a giant bonfire instead.  I’ll start by breaking up this leafless table and use it for kindling.  Afterall, it is free.

 The threat of swine flu is back.  Watch any news program during your morning coffee and you will hear swine flu mentioned at least once.  Health officials are sending the warning that half of Americans could be infected by the swine flu this flu season and 90,000 could die.

What?

90,000 people could die from the swine flu?

They are encouraging people to get the swine flu vaccine when it becomes available, although there will only be enough for half of the population.  Let’s hope it’s the half that would have been infected in the first place.

Why can’t they make enough vaccine to cover the whole population?

I’m sitting here, watching the news as I write, and waited patiently to learn, “how to protect yourself from the swine flu”.  I waited through several commercial breaks to hear how I could protect myself and my family from this potentially fatal flu.

What have I learned in the past hour?

First, that I should get vaccinated, but only if I am a school aged child, have asthma, or am otherwise frail. 

Second, if I fly, I shouldn’t fly sick.   Well, no kidding, but this would mean that I was already infected.  The news warned of flying, but then reminded us that all airlines have confirmed that the air inside of planes is HEPA filtered and safe.

Third, I learned that I shouldn’t cough into my hands, but into the crook of my elbow.  Again, this would mean I am already infected, and is not a prevention technique to avoid catching illness but a means to not spread infection to others.

The newscast then ended abruptly.  What did I really learn about swine flu?

Half of us are going to get sick if we don’t cough into our elbows and wash our hands.  90,000 of us Americans could die, so fly somewhere before you do and enjoy a vacation because the air in planes is HEPA filtered.  Get vaccinated, but not if you are healthy, only if you are a child, frail or have asthma.

I learned NOTHING about how to really prevent the swine flu today, but my belief that health officials and the media try to scare the poop out of us is confirmed. 

Beware, the threat of swine flu is out there, the terrorist threat level is orange, vaccinations cause autism, the recession will live on forever and toxic lead levels were found in your child’s toys from China.  Now, sleep well, don’t panic, and take a vacation.

*This is a JOKE and is NOT REAL.

Johnny B. Good

Single father of half a dozen or so seeks playmate for fun, frolicking and friviolity.  Must enjoy being chased by paparazzi, clubbing, and balding young men.  Alpha females need not apply.

If interested, I might be found at my house in Pennsylvania with my eight kids or in an apartment in Manhattan.  I’m not sure yet, I’m taking it day by day.

Ability to deal with strong headed ex-wife a plus.  Name must rhyme with Eight for show continuity.

Social smoker, social drinker a plus.

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I’m all for self expression.  You want to dye your hair blue?  Go ahead.  Wear mismatching sneakers and baggy pants, fine.  But when you are the parent who is in charge of dressing your child, it is your responsibility to make sure your child isn’t the laughing stock of the group.

I went to a pre-school graduation today.  Not a big deal, but all of the children were dressed up.  The girls in pretty little dresses, matching purses, many of the boys were dressed in button down shirts and chinos.  So then we have Mr. “I’m going to be a geek in a few years, I might as well get started now” dressed like this:

Now, I’m no fashion expert, but this outfit has bought this child a one way ticket to geekdom for all eternity.  Really, the suit he wore to his cousin’s wedding doesn’t fit him this year mom and dad and it is time to buy junior a new dress up outfit.

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of life?  Of course not, but if my mother had dressed me in a similar outfit and then had the nerve to take pictures, I’d be a bit annoyed.  It’s hard enough to try and fit in among your peers, I hope that as he gets older he at least gets a new suit.

Yes, it was only a pre-school graduation and no, this outfit isn’t going to scar this child forever, it’s just funny.  A perfect geek outfit if I’ve ever seen one and I couldn’t help but put it on my site.  I am an anything goes blogger afterall….